Help, I'm Drowning

"We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic." ~Cullen Hightower

This past weekend was one in which the unexpected happened beyond the planning I had done. One in which you get brought to your fear and have to face it without fully realizing its going to happen. Oh the joy of trying to face your personal fear when all along you have been trying to avoid it.

My personal fear is the one of drowning. Falling into the water, being submerged and never coming back up. It is silly to even admit at my age, but I can not swim. I can't float on the water nor tread water to save my own life. The fear can be pretty overwhelming at times and stems from an incident when only 7 or 8 years old.

As I tell the story, though my brothers would disagree, is that we were all at the local pool. I had just started learning to swim albeit not very well. So I was confined to the shallow end and my brothers were to keep an eye on me. Bouncing about in the pool, having a good time two unknown kids came along, one high, one low and took me under the water and held me down.

It seemed like I was under water for 10 minutes but in all reality was only 10 seconds I suppose. But it scared the living daylights out of me and became my biggest life long fear. The joke in my family became that I could no longer take a bath for fear of drowning.

Over the years I have tried with little success to truly over come this fear. I can take a bath thank you, but bodies of water, boats and such still make me nervous. Most times I try to avoid placing myself in situations that could cause me to confront the fear. So to my surprise, this weekend challenged me on this front.

An overnight camping trip for instructors of the C3 Journey program in the north Georgia mountains to discuss some upcoming events. As we sat around the fire at Raven Cliff Falls, the conversation turned to a planned kayak ride down the Chattahoochie River the next morning. Now my plan was to head back home and do some work around the house. It was a planned avoidance of the water, but my wife was with me and encouraged me to go down the river.

It was a 'spur of the moment' decision on my part and said yes. What could go wrong, but inside I was feeling the fear build. So off to Wildwood Outfitters and a 'fun' afternoon of kayaking; something I had never done before. A quick lesson and into the water we went.

Not too far down the river, I tipped over in shallow water and thought oh geez, here we go. I continued my trek with the others down the river, manuevering as best I could. I felt better as things went along and the fear subsided a fair amount until half way through the journey. Here we were coming up on a Class 2 rapid. Many would consider this nothing, but to an unexperienced paddler and one fearful of water, it could have been a Class 6 in my mind.

As I neared, two fellow kayaking folks had got hung up about ten feet past the drop. I was heading straight for them and no other way around. I told myself, drop into it and then muscle your way to the right and around them. The old saying, "the best laid schemes o' mice an' men" by John Steinbeck was never more appropriate. Head first into the first two kayaks and the rushing water spun my boat around and then upside down.

The interesting thing in these (to me) terrifying moments is that there was a panic button right there underneath the water. In a moment I was grabbing for whatever was nearby as I was caught upside down in my kayak. Lucky for me while unlucky for my friend was his loose t-shirt that I grabbed hold of.

I am surprised I didn't pull him under and soon enough I was untangled and able to get my feet in the turbulent water. All three feet of water that is. All of a sudden the panic was replaced by embarrasment and trying to regain composure. And trying to find my kayak and paddle...the first rule is to never lose your paddle.

The rest of the journey was filled with a few more exciting moments. Although nothing that made me confront my fear of drowning more then the incident at what I call, "That Damn Rock Rapid". I would like to tell you that a miracle occurred and my fear is completely gone. I would like to tell you that its that simple. But it isn't, there is still work to do in overcoming the fear.

What I can tell you is that I know that I need to confront my fear more often. That the only way we ever get over our fears is to face them. To avoid and run from the fear will only embolden that fear. You give it strength over your life by avoiding it. By facing the fear, you take away that strength from it. You keep facing the fear and eventually you overtake it. I should have learned that long ago, but last Saturday was my first step.

Step forward and get in the face of your fears. Find ways to confront the fear and eventually you will find the fear running from you. I may have nearly panic'd myself into drowning, but I've also panic'd that fear into one day leaving me.