"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." - Marcel Proust
Are there only a few days each year which we save the day for remembering what was important to us? Valentine’s Day and the expression of love. Easter signaling hope in our lives. Thanksgiving where we give gratitude for what we've been given. Christmas with hew birth of kindness and joy.
Yet we lose sight of these important aspects of life, love and relationships during the "in-between" days. The daily work week where we are grinding out our daily living is where these life values are most important.
It becomes easy to tire of picking up and tossing aside those stones of irritation and disappointment. In our relationships with those closest to us, this can have a harmful impact. It begins to build a wall between two people. Waves of discord flow out to those around you and creates an even thicker wall of separation.
Perfection of the other is never achievable.
Perfection of expectant imperfection is achievable.
And this is all very easy correct? No, not really because it means changing yourself and accepting things you may not have originally thought possible. It also means working with the other half of the relationship in such a way which allows them to change.
We do this not by changing the other person.
We do this by giving them the room to change.
Research articles on relationships, especially in marriage have shown that marital virtues improve communication of couples and have a positive impact on the relationship. All types of relationships need critical thinking AND curiosity to be expressed. They need sparks of creativity and zest. They need social intelligence where each individual is aware of one another’s feelings and responds appropriately.
Many times it helps to "Go with the Good That Already Exists."
To never forget what first drew the two of you together.
Yet the relationship road can be bumpy for all of us. And that is normal. You are not the only ones going through this despite all you might think or see in other peoples lives. All of us have to work at it to be successful.
So what can you do?
Researchers say there are ten basic factors to consider in your relationship. These are good guidelines to help you work through the days in-between the holidays.
1. You and your partner are on the same page in terms of your basic values and life goals. You both know what you want out of life, what your common goals are, what you wish to accomplish in life, and are firmly committed to achieving these together.
2. There is a strong sense of trust between you. You openly discuss everything---the good, the bad, and the ugly. There is no hidden agenda and no secrets from your past.
3. You keep your own identity within the relationship and so does your partner. This is so vital. Marriage may be a large piece of the whole pie that identifies who you are. But above all, you’re still who you are as an individual beyond your various roles in life.
4. You spend quality time together doing things that are mutually fulfilling as well as quality time apart doing what is important to you individually.
5. You encourage each other to grow and change. In other words, you inspire each other to be a better person.
6. You and your partner feel safe communicating personal needs and wants. Time is set aside to discuss issues relevant to you as a couple or each of you individually. Listening carefully with undivided attention is essential to real understanding.
7. You respect each other's differences even if you disagree on important issues. And you are able to turn your differences into fair compromise.
8. You share realistic expectations for the relationship, not what you wish or fantasize it should be. Remember that you’re dealing with another extraordinarily complex individual in addition to yourself. There’s enough to work with without pursuing unrealistic ideals.
9. Each of you contributes your fair share to the relationship, whatever that happens to be. Each partner brings their best strengths and abilities for the benefit of the “team."
10. You and your partner honor each other’s family ties and friendships. While it’s important to set aside time for family and friends it’s also important to maintain healthy boundaries between you and your partner as a unit apart from other close relationships.
A last thought provided by the researchers are that caring, kindness, support, encouragement, and empathy are the watchwords of a good and loving relationship. There is simply no room for rudeness, meanness, jealousy, insulting, degrading, blaming, guilting, criticizing, judging, or physically acting out, especially when the object is one's partner. Those boundaries cannot be crossed.
There are always going to be stones, pebbles and sometimes some really big rocks that get in the way of your relationship. Keep working at it and always remember what was important about the two of you.
Stay inspired my friends.
